When is Enough Really Enough?
I have always had an extreme type A personality. I’ve been told by many people throughout my life that I can be “a lot.” As I mentioned previously, I am an Aries moon and therefore driven by fire and passion. The desire to go above and beyond is part of who I am. I may be a tiny person physically, but I was brought into this world to light it up and take up space; metaphysical and spiritual SPACE. And that is exactly what I have started to do.
Yesterday a friend said to me “Your grief hasn’t been linear. There have been ups and downs. Are you sure you want to release this book?” Some may view this as a negative comment, but for me I lit up with excitement. This is EXACTLY the message I am putting out into the world! It was happening through me before the book hit the shelf! I was elated with joy!
The truth is that grief should not be linear. It is not something that can be defined by a simple equation of a+b=c, rather quite the opposite. Grief and healing are unique for each person. For me, I view my process as a layered journey. Circles upon circles of different modalities all coming together like a puzzle of synchronicity and harmony. My journey circles stacked upon each other for years and eventually began to meld together. Then I decided to grasp the first and the last loop and pull them apart; and what I revealed was an infinity loop of layered healing.
We live in a world where there is always a new way to heal yourself. Whether it be a new plant medicine, therapy modality or spiritual container, there is always something new and interesting to explore. I was the first one to jump on the bandwagon for anything new. Healing became somewhat of an obsession for me, one that was fueled by a lack of respect for myself. I saw more and more, and the more I tried to heal the more I would eventually heal. And just like any obsession, it can lead to eventual energetic depletion and burn out. I literally found myself repelled by having to do yet another thing to “heal” myself. When could I just start to receive without having to do?
As I listened deeply and processed my thoughts without judgement, I wondered when my healing journey would finally come to an end? When would I feel that it was time to bring my healing to a sense of completion while at the same time still knowing the healing must continue in some way? When would I finally be able to trust that I have done enough and what I have given is enough?
Finally it hit me, my cure couldn’t be found by something external, it was deep within me. I just had to spend some tender loving care coaxing her to come out and radiate her light into this world. And that is what I’ve done for the past four years, and the true gift was that of self, and the infinity loop of love I have for Lauren every moment of every day.
When one part of my journey comes to a natural end or when I feel complete, I feel comfortable closing the circle, expressing gratitude for myself during that time, and I am then able to release it. When one journey closes, another opens, and so the infinity loop of our life continues.
At this phase in my journey, I get my medicine from Blue Fox Farm. I am in my era of celebrating the co-creation on my land. BFF nourishes my soul just by being present with me each and every day. I have spent so much of my life holding space for my animal patients and their owner’s grief that I am now in a place to receive the unspoken medicine from nature. Blue Fox Farm and I have gone beyond the energy of ownership and entered into the energy of co-creation. And this is a beautiful place to be, where more is not more, and enough is truly enough.
xx,
Lauren Rae
