What happens when a control freak gets out of control?

The phrase "being out of control" usually sounds like a bad thing. But for me, it's been the opposite.

The first two parts of my book flowed easily. My editors loved them, and I felt confident moving forward. Then in August, when I started part three—the "ascent" portion of my memoir—everything stopped. My creativity hit a wall like a car slamming on brakes to avoid a crash.

The first two parts were straightforward because I'd already lived through them. I just had to get the stories on paper using my methodical, surgeon-trained approach. But part three was different. The disciplined, controlled writing style wasn't working anymore.

And that's when I realized this book is a perfect metaphor for where I am in life. My surgeon-driven mindset had been in the driver's seat for 43 years. It was time for it to move to the back.

Getting Quiet

I took a break from writing over the summer. I got quiet and gave myself space—literally, spiritually, and figuratively. I listened to what wanted to be born and trusted it was for my highest good. I let my hair down, got dirty at the farm, and let go of control.

Life isn't something to be controlled. It's a rhythm we need to sink into. When you live from a place of control, you're never present. The control becomes consuming, leaving no space to create. I felt claustrophobic and tired for most of my life until I realized what my soul craved: freedom and space.

When I "lost control," I started living in the present. I experienced every moment fully—every laugh, every tear, every second of my day. It was so freeing.

The Addiction to Control

I'd tasted this feeling of creative freedom during plant medicine journeys. But that wasn't sustainable—I couldn't function in daily life or drive my kids to school in that state.

The craving to be "out of control" is at the root of many addictions: drugs, plants, food, shopping, alcohol. You get instant gratification, a chance to check out of your life temporarily. But then contraction sets in, and you need to repeat the pattern.

Until you don't.

The doctor in me knew it was time to experience my own medicine—without ingesting or buying anything.

So what happened when I released control?

I welcomed a creativity and freedom within my soul that I never thought possible.

Learning to Let Go

My two daughters went to sleep-away camp for seven weeks this summer. The physical distance forced me to release control over their daily needs. It was hard at first, but I learned to relax and trust that my girls would be supported even without me managing their every experience.

When they returned, they were filled with confidence and independence far beyond anything I could have taught them. All because I trusted they would be loved and supported by themselves and others, even in my absence.

My control issues even showed up with my horse, Blue. When our rides weren't going well and he was fighting me for control, I thought putting a chain under his chin would help. Picture this: me, under 100 pounds, trying to control a 1,700-pound animal with a chain. The harder I pulled, the harder he pulled.

After settling into Blue Fox Farm, I removed the chain. I released my "control" over Blue, and the magic flooded in. Our rhythm and connection have never been stronger.

Sacred Spaces

I've released control around Blue Fox Farm too, allowing her to become the sacred space she's always wanted to be. What's been revealed is a community and sense of belonging I've never felt before. Beyond her natural beauty, she's created a circle of love and connection I've craved my whole life.

I never would have seen this if I'd been trying to control her or force her into some perfect show barn box. When you put something in a box, you're hiding it, controlling when and how it's experienced. Blue Fox Farm has always wanted to shine, and now she finally can.

The Real Work

Being out of control is easier said than done. It's easy to say "let your hair down and have faith that everything will be okay." But that's never worked for me.

To fully release and become present in your life, it comes down to trust. Having trust in yourself that your wholeness is enough.

I know some people who know me might feel anxious seeing me "out of control." If that's you, I ask you to trust. Trust in me, and trust in yourself that on the other side of control is release and an invitation to create the life you deserve.

I invite you to see what happens when you lose control.

With Love,

Lauren Rae