Skeletons in my closet

There has been a lot of talk about the libra new moon this week. For me, Libra can be very challenging, as she lies in my 12th house of mental health, my subconscious, and my intuitive abilities. (It is actually very interesting how my second child is a Libra rising…more on her in a separate post!) As a writer and a storyteller, I am closing Lauren’s chapter of the 2024-2025 house of Libra and changing the narrative on what it means to be perfect.

Libra is the sign of balance and beauty. For my astrological chart in particular, Libra represents being the perfect woman in all areas of life-the perfect mother, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, and the perfect partner/spouse. I’ve created and lived in a story for myself that this idea of perfectionism extends beyond aesthetics to the realm of being perfectly poised, the perfect voice of reason, and above all else being the power that makes everything perfect for everyone else. But what has been compromised along the way has been MYSELF.

Typically, I dread Libra new moons, but for this particular one I have been given a gift. I get to reset, reclaim, and empower myself with an entirely new story on how I approached my idea of “the perfect Lauren” and having everything balanced and equal. Up until now, I have lived in the story that in order for things to be beautiful, they have to be balanced; and in order for things to appear balanced I would have to hide certain aspects of MYSELF.

Today we are entering my favorite time of year…Scorpio season! As a Scorpio rising my zodiac wheel runs from Scorpio to Libra. Therefore, today is somewhat of a birthday for me, as I get to reset my entire zodiac wheel for the year. Scorpio is a very deep, emotional sign, and we can often become massively triggered by people or situations that appear to be taking advantage of us. What I can now see so clearly is how for the past 43 years my mind and my Ego were taking advantage of my heart and in many ways hijacking the entire story of my life.

This Scorpio season I am taking time to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned this past year and exposing parts of myself that my Ego made me see as shameful and therefore remain hidden. I am digging all of the skeletons and shadows out of my closet and finally seeing them for what they truly are. Versions of Lauren that got me to where I am today. They are not scary or shameful, rather parts of me that needed to emerge, experience love and perhaps be released to reveal the true story of Lauren.

I woke up this crisp fall morning at my farm and looked out the window to the barn. It felt like Blue was calling me, and so I pulled on my shoes and headed down. Blue always says it best when he says nothing at all. As he stared at me with his big brown eyes I could tell he wanted to go for a ride. I was completely unprepared to ride this morning; as my saddle and boots were at my home being oiled in preparation for the winter weather. But Blue’s energy was persistent, and I could intuitively feel that he had something to say. I slipped on the bridle, led him to the mounting block, and hopped on bareback.

As I found my rhythm without a saddle, I released all control over Blue and asked him to take me where I needed to go. This morning it was to the trail. As his massive feet crunched over the leaves and twigs, my mind shifted back to a moment with my partner, Scott from last month.

It was a Friday night and we were watching a movie at home. I ran upstairs to grab a pair of sweatpants from my closet and as I opened the door I stood there paralyzed from the waist down. The energy was thick and heavy and I felt like I was suffocating.

“Sweetheart, are you okay up there?”

I hid all these materialistic items literally in an attic and threw away the key so that no man I brought into my life could ever see this shadow side of me. And now my biggest fear was coming true….Scott was going to see this huge shadow I had locked up in a closet for all these years. Sure he has shown how much he loves the light side of me, but would he love my shadow as well?

He walked into the closet and was immediately drawn to a mango orange vintage YSL fur coat.

“WOW! That is an amazing coat! You should wear it out sometime. You would look amazing in it!”

I took a huge inhale, opened my eyes, leaned over Blue’s neck and was consumed by a feeling of connection. The message I was receiving from my divine animal guide was profound and in that moment, I realized that true love and connection cannot be formed if it is smothered with “stuff.” The stories I told myself around the items in this closet as means to make me “lovable” were from my Ego and not my heart. Scott was able to see all of these objects as just things and me for me. In that moment, I took my power back, as he showed me how to just see these objects as things that are beautiful and not things that define me.

We all hide things, create Ego-driven stories around, and disown parts of ourselves that we feel shame around. I now see that to really uncover a love for yourself and welcome love from a partner, even the shadow parts of me needed to be brought out into the light and loved. The story I told myself for my entire life that this part of me was unloveable needed to change. My love for beauty is a huge part of me, my history, and my story. Scott has shown me that even the shadow parts of me needed to come out of the closet and be loved. Each piece of clothing I put on that night and paraded around in a fashion show strut was cathartic and cleansing. This hidden stuff was no longer able to guide and control me in life like it once was.

As Blue and I walked back to the barn I began to feel how the meaning of life and what we value changes for all of us. When Scott walked into my closet that evening his reaction was innocent and pure. It was not contrived and there was no agenda like the story in my mind had created. He had a very loving reflection of showing me that it is okay to have parts of ourselves that we are not proud of. Our imperfections are what make us human. When we bring the dark parts of us out of the closet and hold them in the light, it takes their power away. It destroys the hold they have over us and the shackles are removed. We all carry these hidden parts of ourselves and stories in our heads about how people see us; mine just happened to be in my closet.

During this Scorpio season, I plan to reclaim all of my power back for myself. I will no longer allow my mind and my Ego to take advantage of my heart. I am changing the stories I have created around myself and will continue to flush out and create space for this new Era of Lauren, where I get to decide how I speak to myself in the silence of my mind.

xx,

Lauren Rae

PS: Thank you yet again to my divine animal guide Blue. You always say it best when you say nothing at all.