All Bleeding Stops Eventually: The Anatomy of My Crash
“Dr. T! It’s really hemorrhaging! I’m getting nervous! The blood pressure is dropping. You have to stop the bleeding” I remember countless interns exclaiming this in the operating room when observing surgeries over the years. They may have been nervous but I most certainly was not. I was in complete control of the situation. I knew that in order for me to remove the herniated disc material and allow this animal to walk again, or to get the entire tumor out, some bleeding would have to occur. It’s all part of the process and I was impeccably trained to handle it, because I was in control.
Calmly I would respond “All bleeding stops eventually; until it doesn’t. Death is permanent. Everything else I can fix.”
As a veterinary neurosurgeon I spent over two decades of my life “fixing” external wounds. Herniated discs, broken backs and brain tumors. But just like I use to say to my interns “death is permanent; the one thing I can’t fix.” Marc’s death was something I could not fix. And I lost all control. Having to explain the death of a pet to an owner is one thing, but having to explain the death of a father to three children under the age of 6 was quite another. This was certainly something their mommy could never fix.
It took me a three-years and a multi-modal healing journey to realize that Marc’s passing wasn’t an external or physical problem that could be easily “fixed.” There was no surgical procedure I could perform to bring him back to life, and no procedure I could perform for myself or my children to heal us and make us all whole again. The only way out of this painful darkness and emptiness was for me to transform myself on a deeply soulful level. And for my children to heal, their mother, the womb from which they were born, had to first transform to receive the healing her soul desired. The souls of my three children knew before they were born into this physical world that their time with their father would be short-lived, and they knew they would be raised by a single mother. The lesson here in all of this was for me to transform. From that place, we could all be whole again.
The missing piece in all of this for me was the spiritual realm. I was trained in an Ivy League veterinary school where anything alternative or not backed by double blinded placebo controlled studies was not accepted. My entire life that is how I was trained. My brain was wired to execute a plan based on science. But this was to fix external problems. To heal from the inside out, that would require something intangible. My internal soul corrections would need to be identified, excavated, understood and transformed in order for me to become whole again.
I used to think death was permanent. It was not until I opened my heart to receive all of the love Marc had to offer to me and my children from the spiritual realm could I understand death the opposite of permanent. When Marc left, the metaphysical barrier between me and the spiritual world dissolved and my clairvoyant gifts have since flooded in. They are a bit overwhelming at times, but my connection with plants and animals has never been more clear. Marc’s soul may have left his body in human form; however, he lives on as strong as ever in my heart and in the hearts of my three children. And now that I have created the spiritual space to really listen, I can hear his messaging loud and clear. I am now co-parenting with the divine.
From my open heart to yours,
Lauren Rae 💚
