Transforming a closed heart to an open heart

I get extremely frustrated when people make immature comments such as “that man is emotionally unavailable,” or “that woman is broken,” and the most infuriating of all “that child must be on the spectrum.” The reality is, there is typically a life event such as a death, a divorce, an illness; a moment in time when a person’s heart is so hurt that it closes. The door of the vault closes and the key is lost. There is no blame to be cast and no label to be created around this closure. Blame and shame will not open the door.  The only way out is love and compassion. 

For me personally, it was when my biological father left.  It became easier for me to put up a wall around my heart and never become vulnerable. On many plant medicine journeys, I would envision my heart as a medieval castle with mote and Ego guards surrounding the perimeter. Nothing was going to break through this barricade. My heart was a fortress and my Ego was her guard.

Throughout my impressionable childhood years, the tiny drawbridge that offered some surrender continued to close until eventually my fortress became impermeable. Several years ago, my children became obsessed with the movie Frozen. After watching this movie on repeat (as I am sure many of the parents reading this have done as well!), I began to really resonate with the ice queen herself, Elsa. I had hidden my true self and my heart within a closed fortress of ice. I now realize that so many people go through life in this way, with a closed heart. For me personally, my heart may have still been physically beating; but she was beating against a closed wall. It is quite remarkable that I survived…

When I met my late husband Marc, both of our hearts were closed and, in many ways, we saw each other as objects. Viewing other people in this way is similar to how some people view animals. Bear with me through this…you will soon see how this all connects. 

During my veterinary neurology residency my mentors would often comment, albeit fascicously, “the only good horse is a dead horse.” To be fair, if a horse had a neurologic disease, many times they were euthanized. Cures for equine neurologic diseases are few and far between and horses are not house pets. Similarly, working as a veterinary neurosurgeon in clinical practice, my worth was measured on how much I produced. In other words, how many surgeries I performed each month. Again…animals were seen as objects.  

 Subconsciously, I subscribed to this view of animals and carried this theme throughout many aspects of my life, including into my relationships with men. What did horses and men have in common? For me, both horses and men instilled a deep-seated fear within my already closed off heart. The thought of opening up and becoming vulnerable to something so great was my biggest fear. 

Aside from their massive size and regal presence, horses have a way of staring past the external and into a person’s soul. There is no were to hide from a horse. For a person who had spent her entire life hiding from herself, this was terrifying. When Blue entered our barn four years ago, I joked to Ashleigh that he must have been drugged. How could this massive 17+ hand giant be so gentle and calm? Little did I know he came with a sledgehammer that would soon take down the stone wall around my heart. 

I quickly began to realize that I could not lie or manipulate my horse, and for a person who had been lying to herself for most of her life, this was extremely intimating. There is nowhere to hide from Blue, as he senses my emotional state before I enter the barn. Even during times of extreme stress, Blue always has a way of making me feel safe and secure. Slowly I started to surrender to Blue for emotional support.  As I became more vulnerable, the shell of ice began to melt and eventually, the ice was gone. My heart could finally expand. The humility he brought out in me at times was something I had never felt before. However, this was essential for me to truly step into the version of Lauren that I am today. The one who now sees any living thing as an object; rather an opportunity for love. 

It still amazes me how this animal wiggled his 1600-pound body into my frozen heart and melted my Ego away. Blue not only grounded me and accepted my faults, but he taught me humility and saw sides of me I had not even met before. Through it all, Blue never gave up on me. Even to this day, he is the one constant in my life.  The one male who has never left regardless of the mistakes I have made. Because of Blue and his commitment to me, I no longer see animals as objects, I see them as healers. My gift at the end of this lesson is an open channel. I am now able to receive the abundance and wisdom of animals through my heart and share it with the world. My animals are no longer objects, they are divine guides, and I am their messenger.