My Witch Wound
This week has been a “spooky” week for horses. Sure, the weather is crisp and many of the woodland creatures are scurrying about gathering food for the winter, creating moments of freight for prey animals such as horses. Blue has never been a horse to spook at his environment, but on two occasions this week, his behavior has been off. Usually when this happens, Blue is trying to get me to see something that is usually right in front of me. This Halloween week, Blue does not want me to see anything, rather he wants me to say everything.
There seems to be no better time than now-during the spooky time leading up to Halloween, to bring out into the light my witch’s wound. Bear with me through this as it may seem a bit unconventional at first, but you will soon see how this all comes together. For those of you who have taken advanced plant medicine or engaged in profound breathwork, you may have accessed a past life experience. For those of you who have not, I invite you to open your mind to the idea that we do not have just one life. The present moment is just the current incarnation of this life, but we as humans have had and will have many lives.
During several plant medicine journeys and breathwork sessions, I have had profound past life visions of being burned outside of my home. My three children surrounded me and were forced to watch. To this very day I have an extreme fear of fire. It was as though I was a witch in a past life. Not a witch in the literal sense of a woman with a black cape, green face, warts on her nose and a pointy black hat; rather I was persecuted for the good I was trying to do in the world through my written words. It is interesting that I am writing this story under a Capricorn moon, which for me is in my house of communication and conversations (not only with myself, but also with my community-YOU!). According to Kabbalistic astrology, my south node is in Capricorn, meaning it is likely that I spent a prior lifetime leading and inspiring people through my writing and verbal speech. This past life trauma around my spoken words created the witch wound I carry today; the wound that has created obstacles that have gotten in the way of my follow through for most of my life, until now.
For me, my witch wound has been extremely difficult to heal. I often found myself in the same patterns of not expressing my needs or desires for fear that I would be punished or left alone to essentially burn. But the more I suppressed my gift of words, the more I was abandoning myself. How often was I going to have to repeat the same cycle over and over again before I realized that I had the power to change the story? How many lifetimes would I have to spend, or have I spent in fear of being persecuted, wounded or abandoned before I decided ENOUGH is really ENOUGH?
For so much of my life I was scared to speak and had so much negative internal dialogue with myself, that the work I tried to put out into the world lacked a soul. Before we can speak to the world, we must first shift our internal speech with the most important person of all, ourselves. For me, this is where the toxicity began. I had suppressed my voice and my needs for fear that people would punish or abandon me. This suppression made me physically ill at times and manifested as a huge lump in my throat, severe chest pains similar to a heart attack and difficulty breathing. I saw every doctor on the east coast, and they found nothing wrong with me. The only way I could get it to go away was to fall asleep and essentially ignore it ...but many nights the pain was so bad I feared I wouldn’t wake up the next morning…yet somehow I continued to swallow it, bury her and forge ahead. In each of these instances I was swallowing my needs and abandoning myself.
These physical sensations disappeared for the past year since I have been with my partner #30, however this Monday on my way to the barn they came back. I was in my car driving and was suddenly consumed by the intense pain in my chest and lump in my throat. My witch wound was back with vengeance.
I decided to continue with my ride as planned, tacked up Blue and headed to the outdoor ring. As we went around (literally in a circle) in the ring jumping courses on repeat and it felt cathartic. Out of the blue as we were approaching a jump both times, Blue put his head down, planted his front feet and tried to throw his back legs into the air (aka: buck me off). He restricted himself just enough where he knew that I could hold on and not fall.
The second time this happened I grabbed Blue’s mane and hung on the best I could, and for a brief moment I thought about just letting go and abandoning ship…just like I had done so many times before. This time I chose to hang on and look deeper into the message my spirit animal was trying to convey. In both instances I yelled to Ashleigh, Enough! I’m done! Enough!!” Obviously, Blue cannot express himself with spoken words, but this was his way of telling me the cyclic pattern of jumping a circular course in the ring was ENOUGH for him...just like the witch would cycle needed to be ENOUGH for me. It is now time for me to express myself with words. There was a reason I screamed and asked for comfort in Ashleigh when Blue tried to throw me. It is because Blue wants me to learn how to speak for what I need, even during times of extreme fear (such as falling off of him when he is heading for a jump!) Yet again…Blue says it best when says nothing at all.
After I assimilated the messaging from Blue, I had a beautifully connected conversation with #30 about how we are co-creating our life together. This was something I was always scared to ask for from a partner. In the past, my voice would lock up, and I would swallow my need back down into the depths of my belly…where it would smolder. This particular conversation happened under the Capricorn moon after my witch wound had been cleared and the words flowed without fear. I asked for what I needed and was not afraid to do it. Because the truth is, communication through words and writing creates a channel of connection for me. I now feel that I am able to ask for things that I need without feeling like I will be “too much” or that the person will leave. In the past, me not asking for what I needed perpetuated my self abandonment and fueled my witch wound’s fire.
There will be times when I recount a story that may trigger someone or not resonate at all with the collective. There will be times when I simply get it wrong. The difference is, I no longer have fear that people will leave or that I will leave myself when this occurs. I have complete trust that my words will heal as long as they continue to come from my authentic self. I will no longer let fear dictate the dialogue in my mind.
My witch wound is in the past and needed to be released. Living in the past is living in fear. Living in the present moment means to live in gratitude. And that is where I’d like to stay. Worrying about things that could happen is like praying for terrible things to happen. What we speak, through words or thoughts, is what we create. This Halloween I invited you to release your witch wound into the fire…and see what you can create.
